The One with the Date.

As you probably know, I'm giving the online dating thing a shot this year. I don't know that anything will ever come of it, other than first date practice, but it's a start. I've had some crazies message me, and I've had a few that seemed normal message me once and then never respond again. Online dating is an odd thing, no doubt. Last Friday night, I had a first date that was product of an online dating site and the whole evening was nothing short of all things blog worthy! I'm thinking about just going on a date with anyone that messages me for blogging material.
(Just kidding, Virginia. Stop dialing Nana's number!) 

To protect the innocent, we'll call homeboy Dan so you can keep up with less confusion. 

A few things you should know before we get started is that Dan is about 10 years older than me. He sent me a message about 2 weeks before I actually responded to him. I almost didn't respond, but decided out of the blue one day I should at least say hey. He was slightly attractive, and seemed to be normal on his profile. Man, do people lie on those things! He was nice, we had things in common (read: braves baseball fans) and we talked for a couple days off and on via messages. Then, he asked for my number so I gave it to him. We texted a little bit here and there, then one day he asked if he could call me. I immediately said no. I don't like to sit on the phone and listen to someone breathe. It's annoying. And I didn't think I'd have enough to talk about to keep a steady conversation going. Finally, after about a week, I gave in and let him call me. We talked on the phone for THREE HOURS. It was ridiculous. But, he was funny, and he's pretty good at keeping phone conversations going. He asked me if I would go on a date with him that weekend, but I already had a packed schedule, so I told him no. So, he asked for the next Friday. I said sure, and the date was set for Friday night. 

Now, I'm not crazy. I know that people online could be sick freaks. So, Friday morning I texted my two favorite friends that share the same name, we'll call them Jon and John, and asked if they'd be interested in eating at the same place that night. Of course they said yes and wouldn't have ever let me go alone! ha! Unbeknownst to me, they were also keeping my sister updated via text! They even snapped a picture of us and sent it to her. Everyone's response was the same..."you look bored." ha!

Dan chose Mexican, and said to be there at 7:45. Then about 7:30, he texted me and said to make it 8 because he was "drying his jeans." {does he only have one pair of jeans?!}

I live 30 minutes away from where we were meeting and I didn't get off work until 6:30 on Friday, so there was no point in me going all the way home to turn around and come back so I went to Target to kill a little time. I ended up getting to the restaurant at 7:45 anyway because it was just easier. I got us a table and texted him to let him know where I was sitting. 

8pm rolls around and there's no sign of him yet.

It's now 8:10 and the waiter is beginning to ask if anyone else is really coming. 

{he also offered to buy me shots if no one showed!}  

Finally, at 8:15 when I am about to get up and leave, he walks around the corner. He never once texted me to say he would be late or anything. First impressions, people! 

His reason was "I had to get ready for my date!" {he was in jeans and a polo. JEANS AND A POLO.}

Once he gets there, the waiter comes to take our order and I quickly realize that Dan needs a first date etiquette class. I ordered a half order of grilled chicken nachos. He ordered a guacamole dip, {he ate the entire thing by himself} pollo con crema, {which is a huge plate of rice, grilled chicken, cheese sauce and beans, if you're not familiar} AND three tacos. 

I'm certain I was starting at him in confusion. If being 15 minutes late didn't ruin his first impression, his dinner order sure did! Just because you can eat that much, doesn't mean you should on a first date! 

Y'all, he ate every bite, and I mean, every bite. The cheese fell out of his tacos and he even picked that up and shoveled it in his mouth. Seriously, it was gross. 

Ole Dan also shares entirely too much information on a first date. When I know your whole life story after a couple of hours over dinner, you need a therapist, not a date! I almost feel bad for the guy. 

I know his mom passed away 16 years ago.

He told me his brother has been in FEDERAL prison and is an alcoholic. 

He doesn't like his sister in law, and some type of family drama with her.

He's been on the RICKI LAKE SHOW for losing weight!!!{why would you even admit that?! hello, crazy} 

I'm thinking he's gained that weight, or at least some of it, back. He says he goes to the gym every day, but as Jon and John said, "just because he goes doesn't mean he does anything productive!"

He's been divorced. They were only married for 6 months. And other than "she was immature" I have no real reason that he was divorced in 6 months. 

He's got money, and he likes to let people know that. 

And, we found out he previously dated my cousin! 

At this point, I'm all but banging my head on the table. I was seriously at any point looking for camera crews to come out of hiding. I just knew I was being Punk'd! Only this could happen to me!

I have a tendency to talk to people across the room with my eyes, like every girl does, and one time he caught me looking at John and Jon. He turned around to see who I was looking at and I thought for sure he was going to ask if I knew them. Instead, he thought they were gay!!!

Of course, I couldn't say I knew different, so I was just like "oh, you think so?" I died laughing secretly on the inside. I still crack up every time I think about it. 

Once they bring the bill, he looks at it and says "Oh, you're a cheap date!" {excuse me?!} Then he pulls out a wad of hundreds to pay with. He asked if I wanted to go get ice cream afterwards, but I told him no. Personally, I was trying to figure out where he was going to put ice cream after all that food! Instead, I went and grabbed something to drink with Jon and John to talk about how awful and comedic it was. 

To make it even better, I was out eating with my cousins {the cousin's he dated mom and brother) on Saturday night and who else, but Mr. Ricki Lake Show walks in! I wanted to die! We were leaving and we was walking in, so luckily we only spoke briefly. He did text me later that night with a little small talk, but he hasn't said a word since then, thankfully! I'm hoping he knows it isn't going to work! ha! 

I've decided that dating is awkward and stupid. Can't we all just skip that part?! I'll be more likely to marry someone if I didn't have to put myself into an awkward situation of dinner with someone I don't know. 

Happy Thursday!!

XoXo,

AK