sharing my heart.

I don't want to write this blog, but I know that I need to and it's just pride.

I'm selfish. Point blank. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No well I'm sometimes selfish, or only to these people, no I'm selfish. Some people might not see it, simply because I will bend over backwards to help out when someone needs me, or if something needs to be done. I'll do it without thinking, because it's what i like to do, I like to help. However, when it comes to me, I think I should be given everything. Not seriously to the bratty extreme like those little sweet sixteen girls, but any at all is bad enough.

I've never done without, and I've always been taken care of. I fuss and fight over not having the BEST things, but simply having something should be enough. We live in America, where we can come by things so much easier, so something is never enough.

When I had my small "accident" a couple of months ago and lost my bumper, I griped and complained about not having a bumper. I should have been thankful that not having a bumper was the worst damage done and I was still alive. Riding around with no bumper for the past three months has been one of the most humbling experiences for me. You might not think much of it, but I'm one of those that care about what people think of me. all the time. I hate for someone to not like me, I hate for someone to talk about me behind my back. I hate for people to look down at me because I'm not the prettiest girl around or the skinniest. After I didn't have a bumper I expected Mama and Daddy to find me a "new" car, so that I wouldn't look dumb driving around without a bumper. I can laugh about it now, but in the beginning I was overly embarrassed.

My sisters and brother in law bend over backwards for me, and I hardly ever return that favor. If it weren't for the three of them, I have no idea where i'd be. i'm SO very thankful for them and all that they do for me, but more times than not, I forget to say thank you and I ask them to give more. Plain out selfish.

I wish I had the biggest giving heart in the world and wanted nothing for myself. I only wanted for other people. I hate that I don't and that's something I struggle with.

Last weekend we went to church at Meadow Grove in Haysville NC. Instead of preaching, the preacher, his wife, the youth pastor and his wife, all got up and spoke about the Catalyst conference that they had just gotten back from. I knew lots of people that went, and I'm not gonna lie..i'm a little jealous. Some amazing people were there..(francis chan, perry noble, t.d. jakes, andy stanley...ect.)

They each shared something different that really stuck out to them, and the pastors wife was my favorite. She was probably speaking to me, atleast I felt like it. She was talking about how selfish, she and the rest of America is.

There are so many children who don't have anything. So many people who don't have a bed to sleep on at night. So many people who don't know if they are even going to be able to eat ONE mean a day, while the majority of us eat three. So many people who don't have a Mommy and Daddy who love them, or care for them..instead they abuse them or leave on their own while they are passed out drunk or drugged. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I could handle that type of lifestyle. Not knowing where my parents are, never hearing "i love you", never receiving a phone call wondering why you aren't home, wouldn't sit well with me. My heart aches for these kids, and the rest of the world who doesn't have enough.

I wish that there was a quick fix to my stubborn selfishness and to all the children and adults alike who go without. Sadly, there is not and it takes multiple people, all working together to get something accomplished. I want to be apart of the multiple people working together. Sasha and I have been doing Saturday Sacks for a while now, and I love it. Saturday Sacks is a program where you gather food and donate it to different schools where children aren't getting anything to eat on the weekend. I love knowing that I'm helping someone have food during the weekends. Some people say that it's not real, and they just want free food, but i don't think it is like that. I think these kids seriously do not have anything to eat, or a way to get anything to eat. I'm so glad that there is something that has gotten started to give them what they need!

I pray that God continues to use me, and continues to change my selfish heart. I also pray that these kids get the attention that they deserve, just like any other child!!!